A Note

Writing is a release
I look at my sadness
Outlined on the page
And somehow
Feel better
That I can see it orated
And its there and organized
And real

Summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things





Or telling them nothing at all
Concocting an identity
The way a magician pulls a white rabbit out of the hat
I enthrall, flirt, make Cheshire Cat eyes
In a sad attempt to distract that
It is....
 
Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

So I go walking
I walk eighteen hours a day
Trying to outrun the tears
The guilt
The sheer loneliness
Gnawing at my ribs
Causing my empty stomach to rumble and gurgle
And I'm ready to throw up
And I'm desperate to make a change
Do something
Only I realize
Some things are broken beyond repair

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

I've been known to befriend those ones
And yesterday a person
Totally divorced from reality
Smiled and said hello
As she walked past me
Sitting outside
In a dirty dusty doorway
Morosely scowling
And chain smoking
And I was grateful for contact
 

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

I'm used to the pain that comes from those moments
And though they say hope dies last
It finally breathed its last breath, emitted the bone chilling death rattle
And left me for good
I don't search anymore
Though at times you can find me
Sitting at a public table with a drink
And while my nose is in a book
My eyes are darting back and forth
Hoping to see a familiar face
Or someone who wants to
Make a new friend

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

A long journey.  Too long.  Too hard.
And here, now, I tell a secret
This is too much to overcome alone
So I succumb
Because its a distraction
And I don't have to think about anything else
When I'm busy with
A mind and life consuming
Obsession.

When it's summer in the city
And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

Numbness and tingling in my fingertips
And my toes
And we all know what happens now

Still strong dichotomy
The right crying to be loved
The left knowing that can never happen again
The past can't be undone
Once the chance for good has passed
It can never be regained

So take a drag on that last cigarette, dear
Watch the smoke dance around you and fade away
And just wait
Hang on
For the same is happening to you

Whether you like it or not
(You do)
Whether you want it to or not
(And that... you're not so sure of)

All that is left
Is to embrace newfound
Ephemeral existence
Until
Its gone

We have no past, we won't reach back, keep with me forward, all through the night

A long walk home
And a dreaded feeling in my stomach-
Is it truth?

Or merely the beautiful dinner
Made by my brother
Whose enthusiasm and kindness
Brings me to my knees
And tears stream down my cheeks

We laughed today
About the potential poison ivy
The barbed wire scar
And what a refreshing change
That I ate dinner off a plate
With a fork
Instead of with my fingers
Out of a cup

And now, listening to music
Meant to help me escape this feeling
Has the opposite effect
And I'm still crying
What have I done?

This loss is unbearable
And all I want to do
Is take off
Run around the world
To escape myself
And perhaps this loss
Yet at the same time
Immerse myself in it


I imagine myself in strange places
Alone and enveloped in
Your proverbial presence
Opening my eyes
Finding myself
In this tainted familiar city
Everything is old
And I'm haunted by memories
Of last summer
And the one before that
For different reasons
Yet both those summers
I was comforted by the knowledge
That there was a nearness
A closeness
Dare I even say
A love?
That is simply gone
Replaced by desolation
And, God help me,
A suicidality
That gnaws at my ribs peeking through my midriff and back
And that strange cramp in the left side of my stomach
While my heart beats faster than it ought to

I've hidden the phone from myself
In one last
Sorry attempt
To escape
Since I can't leave the country
Or the world
Yet