I bought a pair of $12 jeans
Cut way too low, so now I have...
The dreaded MUFFIN TOP
But they seemed like a good idea at the time
Who can pass up $12 jeans?
But now I realize they will become my least favourite pair
Relegated to the back of the closet
Only to be worn as a last resort
When it's either walk around in underwear
Or wear them
And when I DO wear them
I'll have to try to match them with the pefect shirt
To hide
The fact that I have hips
See, it's all about the illusion of perfection
And we as women have been told
That our curves are unacceptable
Must be disappeared
Like the Guatamalans who speak
The goddamned truth
Or, at the very least
Hidden
So as not to offend
Other, less hippy women
Or men
We must, above all, be pleasing
But see, I don't have the perfect shirt
I have hips, thighs
An in-your-face body
That can't and will not be ignored
Or shrouded behind a flimsy shirt
So I'll poudly show them
And allow them to speak their round, womanly truth
And refuse to apologize for myself
Because a life of hiding curves
Trying to be pleasing
And not to offend
Has added up to a severe loss of self
A mere composite of the people I admire and loathe
And I don't know what I like, or think, anymore
And a beer bottle slapping me across the face
Only to be told that still
I am not satisfactory
And allowing my heart to be stomped on
By the footsteps of those
Walking out of my life
My roomate today tells me
With her face grimaced
That she can see where I'm going with poetry
But she doesn't like angry women
I tell her to be careful
Because her face will freeze like that
A fate, for her, worse than death
Because that would offend others
Even more than my hips in my $`12 jeans that give me muffin top
Because she yearns for complacency
And all she wants in life is the illusion of perfection
At the expense of truth
She'd rather be hurt
Than be enraged when it is due
Because we should be enraged
There are things that deserve our rage
And I'm enraged
At my rapist- turning me, at best, into a mere statistic
At my father- the bottle wielding bastard
At politicians, whose greed is leading our nation, and guiding their decisions
At world leaders, who act as though human life is something to sacrifice
At religions, trying their best to placate the masses
And at my roomate
Who wants silence at the expense of my truth
Your truth
OUR truth
And she doesn't want to hear me speak it
Or any of the other poets who have things to say
And, more importantly, that we all need to hear
So fuck you and your complacency
Because I refuse to relegate my anger
And my jeans
To the back of my closet
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Chapter 3
I'll smile real pretty
Tight-lipped and closed mouthed
While you play dress up with me
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Sit me naked on the counter
Do my hair first
Then my clothes
Whether its my own dress
Or the times you insisted
I wear your clothes
I'm a little doll
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Porcelain skin
Pretty blue eyes
Seductive little pout
Now I pick out my own clothes
Though I still wear yours from time to time
My hair is my own
And has grown since
You cut it
In one last attempt
To dress me how you please
My eyes are still pretty
And you destroyed my lips
Forever
These lips don't smile anymore
Have we only gone
Full circle?
Tight-lipped and closed mouthed
While you play dress up with me
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Sit me naked on the counter
Do my hair first
Then my clothes
Whether its my own dress
Or the times you insisted
I wear your clothes
I'm a little doll
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Porcelain skin
Pretty blue eyes
Seductive little pout
Now I pick out my own clothes
Though I still wear yours from time to time
My hair is my own
And has grown since
You cut it
In one last attempt
To dress me how you please
My eyes are still pretty
And you destroyed my lips
Forever
These lips don't smile anymore
Have we only gone
Full circle?
Chapter 3
New lessons to be learned
I always was invisible
My voice is
But a mere squeak
Powerless
And my only power
Lies in my being wanted
I don't matter
It was only ever selfishness
Of the most horrific kind
I'm an extension
Only an extension
Just an extension
Of his dick
I always was invisible
My voice is
But a mere squeak
Powerless
And my only power
Lies in my being wanted
I don't matter
It was only ever selfishness
Of the most horrific kind
I'm an extension
Only an extension
Just an extension
Of his dick
Am I still?
Is that all I'll ever be?
Chapter 3
Love can threaten, touch can burn, caring can seem to violate"
Ten minutes ago
Sun caressing my cheeks
The wind keeping it in check
I longed for my friends
The ones who know best
How to make the most
Of the most beautiful of autumn days
Paradox
A sudden shift
Sitting here now
Glad to be alone
With the ghost of him
Oozing out my heart
And my cunt
No doubt one in the same
Momentarily
I'll want them again
For now though
I'm secure in my invisibility
Ten minutes ago
Sun caressing my cheeks
The wind keeping it in check
I longed for my friends
The ones who know best
How to make the most
Of the most beautiful of autumn days
Paradox
A sudden shift
Sitting here now
Glad to be alone
With the ghost of him
Oozing out my heart
And my cunt
No doubt one in the same
Momentarily
I'll want them again
For now though
I'm secure in my invisibility
Circa Sept 11 2005
Its hard to feel comfortable anywhere, she thought to herself. She reflected on her whereabouts; sitting in a dank dark room where the best thing to do is to huddle up and be quiet. If you’re hidden, they can’t find you, they can’t torment you. Its not her fault that she feels like she wears this secret like a T-shirt portraying an explicit message… And home? What is home? To her, it was a place where you were always on guard. He might come in at any second. And when his breath has that pungent smell of alcohol, and his words all slurred together, there is but one thing that satisfies him. Come on, Doll… With your hair like that, plastered to your face from the rain, you look even prettier than your mother did. Shh… I’m Daddy, I changed your diapers, there is nothing to hide. Come on… Lets see how beautiful you truly are, inside and out… And so she did. In her mind, the only thing to do was to shut him up. And they both knew there was only one way to do that. While she was doing that, she would detach… How many calories today? Must remember to eat less tomorrow… Got an 86 on this test… 90 on the next one… Thinner, happier, more productive… Oh yes, productive. That she was. And they both felt better when the moment was over. He would slink away to pass out, face first on whatever surface he would make it to, and, in inebriated bliss, replay those happy moments of release. And she… well she would go, shower and try to scrub it off of her. See, she always felt like the secret was a tangible, visible thing… And God only knows what they would do to her if they found out… | ||
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Circa Feb 2004
Death served with a side salad (she had to count calories to keep that delicious figure that always left them coming back for more)
There were some things that even those delicious pills and powders couldn’t make her forget
Even when mixed with the burning liquids to make a delightful (deadly) concoction.
Even when mixed with the burning liquids to make a delightful (deadly) concoction.
It didn’t make the bad things go away
But at times confused the meanings of the good things
Like… does no really mean no?
Or does it mean other things?
Like… does no really mean no?
Or does it mean other things?
Stop mean go?
Now mean later?
I love you mean just for the night?
Those meanings got lost in the chaos of the spinning rooms that the concoctions often brought
Now mean later?
I love you mean just for the night?
Those meanings got lost in the chaos of the spinning rooms that the concoctions often brought
Things that should have hurt, didn’t
Like the thud of the fists, or the sharp sting of words
Things that shouldn’t have bothered her made her weep
(Oh look, her glass was empty)
Up became down
Then became now, and now became then
There was no time, there was no when
Only that it happened
Then there was black
Such a shame that she’d spend her last precious moments
Remembering only the things
She was giving up her life to forget
She was giving up her life to forget
New Years Eve, December 2003
They don’t call it a ‘circle’ of like for nothing
What was, still is and ever shall be
No matter how you weep, moan, beg…
(Or even bat those mascara-coated eyelashes)
Sell your soul
Make a blood pact with the devil
It all ends up the same
You’re on the bottom
At his mercy
Biting your lip
To keep from screaming (crying)
His sadistic tendencies were always the best part of him
And when he’s gone
You’re left (panting)
Crumpled in a broken heap
Guilt ridden, sobbing, (wet..)
Alone
The scares have been mocked
You shudder as you remember the frantic feeling you had
While trying to cover them
Still fooling yourself
That you were some sort of pretty
It doesn’t matter though
You were more than enough for him to love
(And come all over you)
He has stolen every part of you
And disgusted everyone else
And by the time you wake up the next morning,
Yawn
Notice the way you’re covered in something more than sweat
And finish calculating how much you hate yourself THIS time
You look around and see nothing but an empty grey cubicle
By the time you realize you need them the most
They’ve already purchased one-way tickets to anywhere away from you
And are halfway around the world
And… don’t fool yourself into thinking they’re coming back
Not for you
You’re… so far beyond stupid
You always had a tendency to figure everything out too late
What was, still is and ever shall be
No matter how you weep, moan, beg…
(Or even bat those mascara-coated eyelashes)
Sell your soul
Make a blood pact with the devil
It all ends up the same
You’re on the bottom
At his mercy
Biting your lip
To keep from screaming (crying)
His sadistic tendencies were always the best part of him
And when he’s gone
You’re left (panting)
Crumpled in a broken heap
Guilt ridden, sobbing, (wet..)
Alone
The scares have been mocked
You shudder as you remember the frantic feeling you had
While trying to cover them
Still fooling yourself
That you were some sort of pretty
It doesn’t matter though
You were more than enough for him to love
(And come all over you)
He has stolen every part of you
And disgusted everyone else
And by the time you wake up the next morning,
Yawn
Notice the way you’re covered in something more than sweat
And finish calculating how much you hate yourself THIS time
You look around and see nothing but an empty grey cubicle
By the time you realize you need them the most
They’ve already purchased one-way tickets to anywhere away from you
And are halfway around the world
And… don’t fool yourself into thinking they’re coming back
Not for you
You’re… so far beyond stupid
You always had a tendency to figure everything out too late
It's A Sock Thing- Circa November 2004
Once upon a time, there was a lovely little ankle sock. She always felt shy, and meek, because she was so tiny compared to all the big knee socks, and much thinner than the work socks. They didn’t help either, they teased her because she was so small, her and her sister. However, her sister didn’t much care. She spent most of her time being chewed by the dog anyways. This left her to put up with the verbal bashings from the meaner and thicker socks.
What hurt her most, when they teased her, was when they picked on her lovely stripes. Oh, she had beautiful strips, purple and pink and blue and green… And the big socks would tease her, saying she was made of little bits of leftover thread and that’s why she was multicoloured. But, she loved her stripes, and it hurt her that the big socks made them to be a bad thing.
When she would tell her sister about the teasing she endured all day, her sister would speak to her in a curt tone of voice, saying that she should spend time with the dog, because it was muchly fun. However, she was scared to do that, scared of the holes the dogs teeth would put in her, and how she would be drooled on and whipped around. For, she was quite the timid sock.
However, day after day passed, and she endured the teasing and felt worse and worse. And she cried for longer and longer at night. Until one day, she turned to her sister and said
“I’m coming with you to the dog tomorrow.” Her sister just smiled and said how pleased she’d be that she did.
So, the next day, she watched her sister jump out of the drawer and go find the dog. She tried to follow, though she moved slowly and cautiously, because she was nervous; she had never tried to leave the drawer before. She carefully tried to climb over the side of the drawer, but she slipped and fell. She hit the floor with as hard a ‘thud’ as a sock could hit. When she picked herself up off the floor, she looked around, but couldn’t see her sister or the dog. She felt scared and confused and almost wished she had stayed in the drawer with the other socks. But then, she remembered the teasing, and didn’t feel so bad.
She started to wander… and wander and wander… until she was in another room… with a lot of big appliances humming. She smelled food, and decided she must be in that kitchen place she always hears talk of. Suddenly, she heard big banging footsteps approaching, and she jumped into a shoe, which was familiar to her, to hide. She waited for the familiar slamming of the door to hop out. She noticed stairs and wondered if her sister would be down them. However, she didn’t think about how difficult the stairs would be to go down, and she tumbled down the whole way. By the time she hit the bottom, everything ached and she needed to lie down for a bit.
Once she felt ok again, she got up and looked around. She went to a room with a shower, a sink and a toilet, and it smelled a lot like cleaning supplies. But she didn’t find her sister and the dog.
So she moved into another room. There were 2 big machines, and baskets full of clothes, and yes, some socks, and they were all lying there, dead looking. She was scared, so scared, that she started to run without looking where she was going and ran into the door.
When she finally came to, she was frightened and cold. She got up, and decided to find the stairs and go back up them. This proved to be a difficult task, seeing as she was so dizzy. However eventually she found them, and tried to climb them. This took her a very long time, because the stairs were big and she had to stop and rest from time to time. Eventually though, she reached the top.
Once at the top of the stairs, she tried to remember which way she had come through. She remembered the kitchen, and so she wandered around until she found it. And from there, she found the room, with the drawer she came out of.
When she finally reached the drawer, she was tired, haggard, and out of breath. She slumped against the side of the drawer for a few minutes, and listened to the chatter of the other socks. She heard quiet weeping from her sister.
“Where is my sister? What have you done with her? She was supposed to come with me, where could she have gone?”
And from the other socks…
“I miss her soft voice.”
“I hope it wasn’t anything we said. I really did like her.”
“We shouldn’t have teased her so much, she really was a pretty little sock.”
“I miss her!!”
The little sock was overjoyed! They really did like her, and they missed her!! She knocked quietly on the drawer, but it was too quiet for the other socks to hear, over their laments. So, she used the last of her strength and threw herself against the side of the drawer. This time, the other socks heard her, and they pushed the drawer open. They saw her exhausted sock body slumped on the floor. So, one of the big tall work socks jumped out and picked her up and brought her back in the drawer. Her sister hugged her tightly, and made her promise to never get lost again. The other socks said the same thing, and said how sorry they were for teasing her, and how pretty she really was. The big work sock lay down and allowed the pretty little sock to sleep on him, a nice a cozy bed, rather than the wooden bottom of the drawer to sleep on.
And, surrounded by her sock family that loved her, and her sister, the little sock closed her eyes, and smiled a tired little smile. “I am home”, she thought, before falling asleep.
What hurt her most, when they teased her, was when they picked on her lovely stripes. Oh, she had beautiful strips, purple and pink and blue and green… And the big socks would tease her, saying she was made of little bits of leftover thread and that’s why she was multicoloured. But, she loved her stripes, and it hurt her that the big socks made them to be a bad thing.
When she would tell her sister about the teasing she endured all day, her sister would speak to her in a curt tone of voice, saying that she should spend time with the dog, because it was muchly fun. However, she was scared to do that, scared of the holes the dogs teeth would put in her, and how she would be drooled on and whipped around. For, she was quite the timid sock.
However, day after day passed, and she endured the teasing and felt worse and worse. And she cried for longer and longer at night. Until one day, she turned to her sister and said
“I’m coming with you to the dog tomorrow.” Her sister just smiled and said how pleased she’d be that she did.
So, the next day, she watched her sister jump out of the drawer and go find the dog. She tried to follow, though she moved slowly and cautiously, because she was nervous; she had never tried to leave the drawer before. She carefully tried to climb over the side of the drawer, but she slipped and fell. She hit the floor with as hard a ‘thud’ as a sock could hit. When she picked herself up off the floor, she looked around, but couldn’t see her sister or the dog. She felt scared and confused and almost wished she had stayed in the drawer with the other socks. But then, she remembered the teasing, and didn’t feel so bad.
She started to wander… and wander and wander… until she was in another room… with a lot of big appliances humming. She smelled food, and decided she must be in that kitchen place she always hears talk of. Suddenly, she heard big banging footsteps approaching, and she jumped into a shoe, which was familiar to her, to hide. She waited for the familiar slamming of the door to hop out. She noticed stairs and wondered if her sister would be down them. However, she didn’t think about how difficult the stairs would be to go down, and she tumbled down the whole way. By the time she hit the bottom, everything ached and she needed to lie down for a bit.
Once she felt ok again, she got up and looked around. She went to a room with a shower, a sink and a toilet, and it smelled a lot like cleaning supplies. But she didn’t find her sister and the dog.
So she moved into another room. There were 2 big machines, and baskets full of clothes, and yes, some socks, and they were all lying there, dead looking. She was scared, so scared, that she started to run without looking where she was going and ran into the door.
When she finally came to, she was frightened and cold. She got up, and decided to find the stairs and go back up them. This proved to be a difficult task, seeing as she was so dizzy. However eventually she found them, and tried to climb them. This took her a very long time, because the stairs were big and she had to stop and rest from time to time. Eventually though, she reached the top.
Once at the top of the stairs, she tried to remember which way she had come through. She remembered the kitchen, and so she wandered around until she found it. And from there, she found the room, with the drawer she came out of.
When she finally reached the drawer, she was tired, haggard, and out of breath. She slumped against the side of the drawer for a few minutes, and listened to the chatter of the other socks. She heard quiet weeping from her sister.
“Where is my sister? What have you done with her? She was supposed to come with me, where could she have gone?”
And from the other socks…
“I miss her soft voice.”
“I hope it wasn’t anything we said. I really did like her.”
“We shouldn’t have teased her so much, she really was a pretty little sock.”
“I miss her!!”
The little sock was overjoyed! They really did like her, and they missed her!! She knocked quietly on the drawer, but it was too quiet for the other socks to hear, over their laments. So, she used the last of her strength and threw herself against the side of the drawer. This time, the other socks heard her, and they pushed the drawer open. They saw her exhausted sock body slumped on the floor. So, one of the big tall work socks jumped out and picked her up and brought her back in the drawer. Her sister hugged her tightly, and made her promise to never get lost again. The other socks said the same thing, and said how sorry they were for teasing her, and how pretty she really was. The big work sock lay down and allowed the pretty little sock to sleep on him, a nice a cozy bed, rather than the wooden bottom of the drawer to sleep on.
And, surrounded by her sock family that loved her, and her sister, the little sock closed her eyes, and smiled a tired little smile. “I am home”, she thought, before falling asleep.
Revelations.
I wrote all of these in late 2004. I didn't know...
I’m Better Than The No One You Have Already
Yes, yes. We will go fishing
To a baseball game
To a movie
Because that’s what daddies do
I’ll even buy you
Two ice cream cones
One for you,
One for your brother
Who needs something in his mouth
Other than his thumb
(Or my tongue… and other body parts)
All you have to do
Is call me Daddy
(And scream and moan
At the appropriate times)
Just Lay Back, It'll All Be Okay
i seem to have forgotten..
as i do from time to time
(hour to hour...)
that it isnt about me
it was never about me
here, please
let me open my
heart
soul
legs
even wider for you
tkae what you will
take me
take my emotions
take my heart
take everything
i wont ask for a single thing in return
nor will i ask why you did this
excpet sometimes i falter
and by sometimes, we both know i mean always
i am subhuman
and weak
and i will fall
and i will ask
then please
simply just remind me
i am a selfish little bitch
that i whine too much
nad to stop looking at you that way
smack me harder
whip me
beat and beguile me
because we both know i'll crawl after you anyways
head bent
tail between my legs
but i wont cry
remmber?
you forbade me from doing that...
The Small Print
"Everything will be alright"
Promised the singer on the radio
To whoever he was crooning to
"That's a dirty lie, and you know it"
I mutter bitterly
But everyone can figure out he's not crooning to me
Why would he?
Its already been pointed out
All my imperfections
(Those visible to the human eye,
And those you have to come closer to see)
I don't recognize this place
The place where I'm trapped in
The limbs are unrecognizeable to me
My face is unfamiliar and alarming
While I'm used to the feeling
Of general discontent
And inner judgement
The outer judgements are scary
And make me wish I was anywhere but here
Outer body experience
Or outer space
I could care less
Maybe I could be the girl in the song?
'Blue jean baby
LA lady
Seamstress for the band
Pretty eyes
Pirate smile
You'll marry a music man'
At least then
The path is mapped
There is a guiding light
A hand outreached
Waiting to grab yours
'Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer'
However... I'm not that.
I'm the girl full of imperfections
So many that
She can't speak to me without mentioning them
He promises that they'll keep me from serving jury duty
The one I love overacts
To make it more than obvious that I don't mean anything to him
And the kind boy thinks he has to patronize me
To validate leaving, and telling me he's found
His tiny dancer
But that's okay.
I'm used to such things.
The imperfections will not be overlooked
I am worthless
Unless I offer up my cunt on a silver platter
Moan and groan at the appropriate times
And nod my head
While I agree with you
And while I suck your cock
(I turn my head, eyes pointed heaven bound
So you won't notice the tears streaming down Because I've learned
The difference between moans of pleasure
And moans that come from praying
That heaven will snatch you from this strange place)
You stroke my hair
Thinking that I give two fucks whether you approve or not
I don't
All I care is that you finish up so that I can stop this
I hate it
I hate you
I hate me, too
Because I can't stand that my cunt is the only thing about me
That is worth anything
The bruises on my neck are my reward
For a job well done
I've repayed my debt
And you're gone
I know better than to expect to hear from you again
Because I know more than well that
I've done my job
And fulfilled my contract
I'm all paid up
So I guess this
Is where I thank you
For overlooking my imperfections this long
For speaking to me
For faking every word you said
So, thank you
Only next time
Make me drink bleach
Or slit my throat
Because now that the contract is fulfilled
I still want nothing more than to leave this place.
I’m Better Than The No One You Have Already
Yes, yes. We will go fishing
To a baseball game
To a movie
Because that’s what daddies do
I’ll even buy you
Two ice cream cones
One for you,
One for your brother
Who needs something in his mouth
Other than his thumb
(Or my tongue… and other body parts)
All you have to do
Is call me Daddy
(And scream and moan
At the appropriate times)
Just Lay Back, It'll All Be Okay
i seem to have forgotten..
as i do from time to time
(hour to hour...)
that it isnt about me
it was never about me
here, please
let me open my
heart
soul
legs
even wider for you
tkae what you will
take me
take my emotions
take my heart
take everything
i wont ask for a single thing in return
nor will i ask why you did this
excpet sometimes i falter
and by sometimes, we both know i mean always
i am subhuman
and weak
and i will fall
and i will ask
then please
simply just remind me
i am a selfish little bitch
that i whine too much
nad to stop looking at you that way
smack me harder
whip me
beat and beguile me
because we both know i'll crawl after you anyways
head bent
tail between my legs
but i wont cry
remmber?
you forbade me from doing that...
The Small Print
"Everything will be alright"
Promised the singer on the radio
To whoever he was crooning to
"That's a dirty lie, and you know it"
I mutter bitterly
But everyone can figure out he's not crooning to me
Why would he?
Its already been pointed out
All my imperfections
(Those visible to the human eye,
And those you have to come closer to see)
I don't recognize this place
The place where I'm trapped in
The limbs are unrecognizeable to me
My face is unfamiliar and alarming
While I'm used to the feeling
Of general discontent
And inner judgement
The outer judgements are scary
And make me wish I was anywhere but here
Outer body experience
Or outer space
I could care less
Maybe I could be the girl in the song?
'Blue jean baby
LA lady
Seamstress for the band
Pretty eyes
Pirate smile
You'll marry a music man'
At least then
The path is mapped
There is a guiding light
A hand outreached
Waiting to grab yours
'Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer'
However... I'm not that.
I'm the girl full of imperfections
So many that
She can't speak to me without mentioning them
He promises that they'll keep me from serving jury duty
The one I love overacts
To make it more than obvious that I don't mean anything to him
And the kind boy thinks he has to patronize me
To validate leaving, and telling me he's found
His tiny dancer
But that's okay.
I'm used to such things.
The imperfections will not be overlooked
I am worthless
Unless I offer up my cunt on a silver platter
Moan and groan at the appropriate times
And nod my head
While I agree with you
And while I suck your cock
(I turn my head, eyes pointed heaven bound
So you won't notice the tears streaming down Because I've learned
The difference between moans of pleasure
And moans that come from praying
That heaven will snatch you from this strange place)
You stroke my hair
Thinking that I give two fucks whether you approve or not
I don't
All I care is that you finish up so that I can stop this
I hate it
I hate you
I hate me, too
Because I can't stand that my cunt is the only thing about me
That is worth anything
The bruises on my neck are my reward
For a job well done
I've repayed my debt
And you're gone
I know better than to expect to hear from you again
Because I know more than well that
I've done my job
And fulfilled my contract
I'm all paid up
So I guess this
Is where I thank you
For overlooking my imperfections this long
For speaking to me
For faking every word you said
So, thank you
Only next time
Make me drink bleach
Or slit my throat
Because now that the contract is fulfilled
I still want nothing more than to leave this place.
Chapter Three
Trembling
As general descritions
Open the age old wound
Between my legs
And the realization sets in
That when you open the skin
Blood always flows out
Nothing as it seems
And there is meaning
In all the trivialities
And I'm wondering
Just how deep
The rabbit hole really goes
Because my blood
Is tainted and poisonous
And its no wonder
A river flows through my veins
And out
My body sought to free itself
Long before I ever knew
I was dying
As general descritions
Open the age old wound
Between my legs
And the realization sets in
That when you open the skin
Blood always flows out
Nothing as it seems
And there is meaning
In all the trivialities
And I'm wondering
Just how deep
The rabbit hole really goes
Because my blood
Is tainted and poisonous
And its no wonder
A river flows through my veins
And out
My body sought to free itself
Long before I ever knew
I was dying
Chapter One
A head first dive down the rabbit hole
I look at myself
His complexion
His too-thin upper lip
No doubt I am his daughter
Also
A scowl
Slouched shoulders
Eyes turnd downwards
So
A merely proverbial
Violent kick through the wall
While I stay huddled within
Eyes look up
But peering into them
Shows only that
He's still here
He's always been here
I look at myself
His complexion
His too-thin upper lip
No doubt I am his daughter
Also
A scowl
Slouched shoulders
Eyes turnd downwards
So
A merely proverbial
Violent kick through the wall
While I stay huddled within
Eyes look up
But peering into them
Shows only that
He's still here
He's always been here
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
was it the dish that ran away with the spoon? the fork? perhaps it was the cat. she couldn't remember. fairy tale what? happily ever who? those weren't her stories. not then, not now. just mere, pathetic moments, perhaps totalling three. the one's where her mother felt compelled to try to cultivate happiness. chris van allsburg... why was it always before christmas? was it just that christ's birth was more important than the lives of those two little children now snuggled on either side of her? or that she was broken too? but fairy tales only exist in those sacred storybooks. and in real life there is no happily ever after. not unless you consider those mere moments that sleeping beauty had with the needle in her arm before she fell into a drug induced coma. or perhaps the feeling of being loved snow white had before realizing the fucking dwarves only loved her because they were short enough to look up her skirt. love... yes... of course love. nothing ever in the absence of love... not ever. because what is love? happily ever after? just give me sleeping beauty's needle. i'd love some of that happily ever after, too.
Its so done
It's so over
Anything I had ever imagined
About my life
In the near
Or distant
Future
All gone
Because my mind has learned that
It won't be such an easy task
This time
To destroy me
i want to make it easier
i want to
stop this
stop it now
stop what?
i hear myself
incoherent
whining
scared
nonsensical
nonsense
and wonder what is happening
and i hear myself
numerating all the postives
but i'm lying
because there is no positive
not now
not that i see
not that i even look for
rather
a pillow
a blanket
and a prayer
for a good dream tonight
It's so over
Anything I had ever imagined
About my life
In the near
Or distant
Future
All gone
Because my mind has learned that
It won't be such an easy task
This time
To destroy me
i want to make it easier
i want to
stop this
stop it now
stop what?
i hear myself
incoherent
whining
scared
nonsensical
nonsense
and wonder what is happening
and i hear myself
numerating all the postives
but i'm lying
because there is no positive
not now
not that i see
not that i even look for
rather
a pillow
a blanket
and a prayer
for a good dream tonight
Sheer Terror... Long Overdue, I suppose
A slow spiral downwards
The viscosity of corn syrup...
As I relinquish myself to that corner of my mind
That I know will hurt like hell
Protecting myself from him
From all of them
Only to put myself here
Where glistening knives are only
A bottle away
And soon another thick syrupy liquid will flow
Things will get worse before they ever get better
But I never thought they'd be this irreversible
And hemoglobin won't be the only cost for this decision
What does the better me look like?
What does she know?
And, even more importantly
Who does she know?
The viscosity of corn syrup...
As I relinquish myself to that corner of my mind
That I know will hurt like hell
Protecting myself from him
From all of them
Only to put myself here
Where glistening knives are only
A bottle away
And soon another thick syrupy liquid will flow
Things will get worse before they ever get better
But I never thought they'd be this irreversible
And hemoglobin won't be the only cost for this decision
What does the better me look like?
What does she know?
And, even more importantly
Who does she know?
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Not Strong Today
A mindshift
Mental preparation, perhaps
For the journey to a new old neighbourhood
So intimately tied to you
That I'm surprised it didn't just
Up and leave
The moment you did
Sneak in the back seat
Hidden under all your black
A sinking feeling in my stomach
Replacing the rock thats nesting
(Do rocks hatch?)
And I want to just
Sit here and cry
Because sometimes
Nothing is ever enough
Mental preparation, perhaps
For the journey to a new old neighbourhood
So intimately tied to you
That I'm surprised it didn't just
Up and leave
The moment you did
Sneak in the back seat
Hidden under all your black
A sinking feeling in my stomach
Replacing the rock thats nesting
(Do rocks hatch?)
And I want to just
Sit here and cry
Because sometimes
Nothing is ever enough
In this room
Just me
Me with a screen
Me with a phone
And there are voices
Coming through
Communication media
Urging me and pushing me
To see beyond
See the big picture
See the effects on all people
To stand up, dust myself off
And DO SOMETHING
Despite all that
I'm still alone
Licking my wounds
Locked in the cycle of memories
That threaten to devour
See, I'm just not there yet
Hang up the phone
Close the screen
Because I'm in this room
Alone
Just me
Me with a screen
Me with a phone
And there are voices
Coming through
Communication media
Urging me and pushing me
To see beyond
See the big picture
See the effects on all people
To stand up, dust myself off
And DO SOMETHING
Despite all that
I'm still alone
Licking my wounds
Locked in the cycle of memories
That threaten to devour
See, I'm just not there yet
Hang up the phone
Close the screen
Because I'm in this room
Alone
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