Sometimes, Actions Don't Speak Louder than Words. And So, A Poem.

Sitting in the darkened room with you
I'm in the corner, arms crossed in front of me
The shadows catching the spidery veins
Crawling up my arms
As if to give you a map
To navigate the strange island of my mind

You beg, plead for words
I'm silent
Silence radiates off of me
Onto you
Like radioactive waves
And I know I'm as toxic to you
As an x-ray without a lead apron
Giving you the not-so-proverbial cancer

You hurl your accusations
I neither refute nor argue
But rather nod
Accepting

See, the best I can offer
Is that what I know for sure
Is that it's safer for you to think
That I'm merely creating all this drama
Than know for sure
That I'm concocting elaborate plans
To put an end to it

A Note

Writing is a release
I look at my sadness
Outlined on the page
And somehow
Feel better
That I can see it orated
And its there and organized
And real

Summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I've been staying up and drinking in a late night establishment
Telling strangers personal things





Or telling them nothing at all
Concocting an identity
The way a magician pulls a white rabbit out of the hat
I enthrall, flirt, make Cheshire Cat eyes
In a sad attempt to distract that
It is....
 
Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
So I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming but I also felt like crying
It doesn't seem so worth it right now

So I go walking
I walk eighteen hours a day
Trying to outrun the tears
The guilt
The sheer loneliness
Gnawing at my ribs
Causing my empty stomach to rumble and gurgle
And I'm ready to throw up
And I'm desperate to make a change
Do something
Only I realize
Some things are broken beyond repair

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the site of a beautiful woman they feel nothing but
Anger, her skin makes them sick in the night nauseaous, nauseaous, nauseaous

I've been known to befriend those ones
And yesterday a person
Totally divorced from reality
Smiled and said hello
As she walked past me
Sitting outside
In a dirty dusty doorway
Morosely scowling
And chain smoking
And I was grateful for contact
 

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely lonely lonely
I've been hallucinating you, babe, at the backs of other women
And I tap on their shoulder and they turn around smiling
But there's no recognition in their eyes

I'm used to the pain that comes from those moments
And though they say hope dies last
It finally breathed its last breath, emitted the bone chilling death rattle
And left me for good
I don't search anymore
Though at times you can find me
Sitting at a public table with a drink
And while my nose is in a book
My eyes are darting back and forth
Hoping to see a familiar face
Or someone who wants to
Make a new friend

Oh summer in the city means cleavage cleavage cleavage
And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine
It's just when it's summer in the city, and you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

A long journey.  Too long.  Too hard.
And here, now, I tell a secret
This is too much to overcome alone
So I succumb
Because its a distraction
And I don't have to think about anything else
When I'm busy with
A mind and life consuming
Obsession.

When it's summer in the city
And you're so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

Numbness and tingling in my fingertips
And my toes
And we all know what happens now

Still strong dichotomy
The right crying to be loved
The left knowing that can never happen again
The past can't be undone
Once the chance for good has passed
It can never be regained

So take a drag on that last cigarette, dear
Watch the smoke dance around you and fade away
And just wait
Hang on
For the same is happening to you

Whether you like it or not
(You do)
Whether you want it to or not
(And that... you're not so sure of)

All that is left
Is to embrace newfound
Ephemeral existence
Until
Its gone

We have no past, we won't reach back, keep with me forward, all through the night

A long walk home
And a dreaded feeling in my stomach-
Is it truth?

Or merely the beautiful dinner
Made by my brother
Whose enthusiasm and kindness
Brings me to my knees
And tears stream down my cheeks

We laughed today
About the potential poison ivy
The barbed wire scar
And what a refreshing change
That I ate dinner off a plate
With a fork
Instead of with my fingers
Out of a cup

And now, listening to music
Meant to help me escape this feeling
Has the opposite effect
And I'm still crying
What have I done?

This loss is unbearable
And all I want to do
Is take off
Run around the world
To escape myself
And perhaps this loss
Yet at the same time
Immerse myself in it


I imagine myself in strange places
Alone and enveloped in
Your proverbial presence
Opening my eyes
Finding myself
In this tainted familiar city
Everything is old
And I'm haunted by memories
Of last summer
And the one before that
For different reasons
Yet both those summers
I was comforted by the knowledge
That there was a nearness
A closeness
Dare I even say
A love?
That is simply gone
Replaced by desolation
And, God help me,
A suicidality
That gnaws at my ribs peeking through my midriff and back
And that strange cramp in the left side of my stomach
While my heart beats faster than it ought to

I've hidden the phone from myself
In one last
Sorry attempt
To escape
Since I can't leave the country
Or the world
Yet

At Cameron House...

LYNN- Contemporary Orchid
There isn't much I know of her
Except that she is literary
And can twist and wind words
Into the most breathtaking
And heart wrenching
Imagery
And she sat
In the establishment I find myself in how
Perhaps she is here now
Or was last night
Or will be tomorrow
I imagine
She was (is?) less lonely than I
Had a group here
Of people like her
(Like me)
Writers
Visionaries
Seers
Of the most beautiful
Romantic
Morbid
Pathological
Parts of the human being
She wrote 'Liar'
And I'd like to tell her my story
Ask her what she sees
For this time
My own wise eyes
Are blinded by love
And optimism
And the possibility that I'm striving
To be someone I'm not
But here I am
In Cameron House
Listening to country music
That feels strangely appropriate
Forget being Lynn
Or Sheva
Let's see what I write
Let's see who I am


Photograph
August 2003
The day I left for Windsor
Everyone always told me I'm so
Pretty
Except all I see in myself
Is him
And how could I ever be pretty

Looking like him?
His hair
His guaging slit eyes
His snake lips curled into
A seductively lyingsmile
Am I manipulative?
Am I a liar?
I try to avoid it
But I suppose
We all have our moments.

I've always been told
That I'm too passive
I'm too quiet
And childlike in my agreeability
And submission
So maybe this is true
And maybe it has to change
Because here you are
Doing the same thing
And it pisses me off
It wasn't me you asked to take you out the other night
Don't tell me you did
Because you act like you hate me so goddamn much
All the time
And if you wanted to hang out
Say something
Because I didn't know
And last time this happened
You shot us down
To go sit in your misery
Which, oddly enough, makes you happy
And now... now you won't speak
And your zings from Twitter
Narrowly missing my heart
Because I'm annoyed
So now, let me break the silence
And say I can't do this
When I go out, I go out to be happy
I go out to be strong
I simply can't sit around and be pissed at the world
I don't want to
And if you wanted to be there
You should have said something
And you're more than welcome to join
You seem like you could be awesome
Except for the fact that your depression is poisonous
And if you want to come
Quit acting like you hate everyone
Because right now
You're mad at me
And I don't care
Because really, our relationship hasn't changed
Please grow up
And deal with me face to face
As I try to deal with you