We have no past, we won't reach back, keep with me forward, all through the night

A long walk home
And a dreaded feeling in my stomach-
Is it truth?

Or merely the beautiful dinner
Made by my brother
Whose enthusiasm and kindness
Brings me to my knees
And tears stream down my cheeks

We laughed today
About the potential poison ivy
The barbed wire scar
And what a refreshing change
That I ate dinner off a plate
With a fork
Instead of with my fingers
Out of a cup

And now, listening to music
Meant to help me escape this feeling
Has the opposite effect
And I'm still crying
What have I done?

This loss is unbearable
And all I want to do
Is take off
Run around the world
To escape myself
And perhaps this loss
Yet at the same time
Immerse myself in it


I imagine myself in strange places
Alone and enveloped in
Your proverbial presence
Opening my eyes
Finding myself
In this tainted familiar city
Everything is old
And I'm haunted by memories
Of last summer
And the one before that
For different reasons
Yet both those summers
I was comforted by the knowledge
That there was a nearness
A closeness
Dare I even say
A love?
That is simply gone
Replaced by desolation
And, God help me,
A suicidality
That gnaws at my ribs peeking through my midriff and back
And that strange cramp in the left side of my stomach
While my heart beats faster than it ought to

I've hidden the phone from myself
In one last
Sorry attempt
To escape
Since I can't leave the country
Or the world
Yet