Tee hee
Tonight I feel like an impish child
Mischevous, cute, giggling, hiding
Adorable
However
I've yet to do anything
To get slapped

...sitting quietly, watching you from the din

...
...
...


How long til you notice me?

Do you still sleep at night?

It is a night
Just like last
And the one before that
And the one before that
And I'm gasping from the pain
And the filth
And the betrayal
And the misery
And all the ripples you create
Even now
When you're so far away from me

I'm listening to the song
I played for your girl
In that short period of time
That she wasn't your girl
When I talked about how I felt about you

And I'm too worn and too tired
To be poetic tonight
Or even strong
And all I want to do is write you a letter
But I won't

Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't
I can't make your heart feel
Something it won't

 And its fine
Because I keep insisting you don't owe me anything
But you do
You owe me an explanation
Of your sociopathic behaviour
So quick to diagnose me
You ought to be able to take me saying that of you

And, what?  You're angry?
So what else is new?
Nothing- not that I can't sleep
Or stand any of this
You knew that
The night you plunged the proverbial knife in my gut
Then followed up by plunging it into my heart

For, like the Romans
You had to make sure the radical
The rebel
The kindest heart
Was truly dead

And, my dear, I wish I was
But this heart is still as big as it ever was
Only now
It aches from your blows
It never justly incurred

I did so many things
I could never justify to myself
Felt such new things
That baffled me
Because they twisted my heart so bad

Two things I don't understand:
The first is how you could
And why you did
What you did to me
Which, I suppose
Is what happens when you receive
A kiss on the cheek in the garden
And are subsequently sentenced to death
The second is why
Now I hope wholeheartedly
Thoughts of me keep you up at night
And have you choking on the shame

And why not?  I have choked
And still choke
Every day
Since May  7th
3 pm
Of last year

Tho

I will never take responsibility
For my vulnerability
Or attractiveness
Or the mess that it leaves
In my wake
This is your fault
You should have left me in the cave
But what's done is done
Now, you owe
Me, and her, and yes, even her
An apology 

Wrath (Part 3)- Dear Dr. Franenstein

When I picture running into you
I quake
Unsure whether its out of anger or fear
Or nothing to do with you at all
And me unwilling to face
Parts of myself
Better left unexplored
(of which, we both know, there are many
You tried to bring them to life
I tried to share them with you
I'll say this now

Your reaction was worse

Than all of them combined)

 So instead, I guide my mind along

Not unlike guiding a child

And I wonder what it must be like to be

In your shoes

The brown ones, now worn, a Christmas gift

From your parents- one they did right

Because you admitted to liking them

Do you still feel a sense of blame?

Because while misplaced then, now rests

Squarely on your shoulders

Too tiny to bear even your own burden

Do you ever fear running into me and my truths?

You should.

And my dear Dr Frankenstein-

I am sorry I ripped out 

Your girl's heart and throat

But I was only trying to show you some goodness and love

(The least you could do is own up to it)

Wrath (Part 2)

So often I stand in an intersection
Spadina and anything
And I look down that street, which, in my mind
Divides
Me and you
The night we parted
I crossed that street
While you smugly skulked into the shadows
Leaving me to my hurt, my brokenness and my confusion
So you could go and jack off safely in your bed and fantasies
And I want to buy all the tape and pylons in the world
To build a boundary
DO NOT CROSS ME
Yes, I want to play that childish immature game
That you'd give me the proverbial slap on the wrist
That is your signature
But, darling, don't you realize
You played it first?
For you first had to demonize me
To justify  your self-righteous exorcism and banishment of me
I won't buy tape and pylons
I'll simply keep to my side
But...
... I don't know how I'll react
If I catch you on my territory again

You've already been spotted once...

Wrath (Part 1)

Almost daily, I stand at the corner,
Where I last left you, saying with a 
Resigned, defeated sigh

"okay"

Resignation and defeat were inevitable

After all, what more could I do?

I had no choice.

I had no choice, still

In the unanswered questions to follow

"What did I do?"

"Why are you so damned angry?"

"In all the grey between love and hate

How did you go from one extreme to the other

So fast I missed it while I blinked?"

Now, I have a choice-

In my resentment

I choose it.  I blame you, my dear

(You reminded me of a shark that night, a predator going for the kill

Especially after I offered my neck and belly up to you

Not 24 hours before)

You hurled accusations sharper than the shards left on the floor

From when  I threw down the glass

Shattering it in utter frustration

Now, I choose my words carefully

" You are cruel and sadistic"

"Your final words to me reveal you to be a pig"

"The only difference in me between then and now is

That you're no longer at my side joining me"

In short, my love:

You didn't owe me a goddamned thing

Not kindness, not love, not consideration

Not even mere respect and acknowledgement

Of a piece of shared history

But nor did you owe me you

VENOM

So please

Stand down

Unbear your teeth

 

Sometimes, I wonder...

...which is worse, the pain

of our fights or the pain

of your absence?...

...is it you I want, or simply

someone

to take your place?