...But the tone in your voice and the fly on the wall

It feels like a leap of faith
Off a huge fucking cliff
And faith never mattered here anyways

A fall from grace
Landing facefirst
Into the pavement

She told me
She wants me to take care of myself
Slow down
Sleep
Eat
And I want to
I do
But alone
Alone I can't
I can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't anything
It's why I need someone
And why I'll never ever get attached
Or say anything at all

I'm letting her down
And I wish I didn't have to
I curled up in her lap
On Christmas Eve
And fell asleep
And she let me
Because she's scared
And I don't care
Because I was in her lap
And slept
And when I slept in till noon
Two days later
She was happy
Because she knew I felt safe

Fruit masks the toxins
Coursing through the veins
And it all snuck up on me
And I want your love
So I run off
Because then you'll still love me in the morning
I had planned this night all day
Not knowing the train wreck it would turn into
And now, lost.  Simply lost.
Lost in happiness
Fearing abandonment
Lost in happiness
Hiding misery
And self-destruction
And now my stomach hurts
Because I didn't eat
I only drank
And I couldn't deal
With anger
Disappointment
Rationality
The real world
So I hid
And if she comes over tomorrow
I'll have to admit
I drank the whole goddamned bottle
Alone
But she won't see...
She won't...
Because we only focus
On pretty faces
Cheery smiles
Amazing legendary personas
And meanwhile...
She'd understand
But I need to protect her
You'll never understand
And I need to protect me
And
And
And

I just didn't expect things to end up like this

I guess I'm kind of a jerk sometimes

A deep sigh
I'd love to emit
Rather, tormented by
Hiccups and chattering teeth
And I laugh
Because that sounds more like
Symptoms of withdrawal

Tonight I tried
To do the right thing
After a day of acting honourably
I can stand the sight of my reflection today
Instead, I made a mess
In a search for sleep
I ended up in euphoric insomnia
Dazed and confused

Dark room
No light
Alone
After temporary insanity
Drove away the very last
Alone
ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
I can't take it

The sound of the chattering of teeth
Drowned out by the chattering in my head
And being alone in a dark room
Would have ensured this temporary insanity
Became something never to return from



Now out of any danger
Which was all anyone ever really wanted
Is there anything else to say?
Tingling fingers
No longer euphoric
But I can't see straight
Fatigue.  Fatigue
Can't sleep
Just can't


Alone in this room unbearable
Cant do it
Because I can't see or hear anyone
And I begin to fear I'm alone in this life
Something I know to be false

But a part always worries
That I'm one stupid decision away
From blowing down this house of cards
- such an offensive idea

Heavy lids
Heavy limbs
Exhausted
Just like you were
Before you sleot
Will try now
Again
I promkse

Passing the Time

Sitting in a corporate
Coffee-slinging hellhole
It is freezing outside and I work soon
Not soon enough
Reading critically acclaimed words
Spotlighting some kind of madness
Or, at the very least
The dysfuntion of everyone
Exuding from their mere movements
I, too, am dysfunctional
And find myself yearning
For a drink, for some pills, for a hit
Or, maybe, to be in his arms
These arms that alternately cradle
And crush
A python squeezing the very will out of me
I hate him when he's screaming at me
I love him when he's screaming at me
For a snake he may be
I am a spider and he's in my web
The very identity I have for myself
And even though I can't breathe
Its easier when he's squeezing

Minutes pass
And now blood drips off my lips
And out of my fingertips

          Like I said, I'm dysfunctional

It's not denial
No, not in the slightest
It never was
It's merely physics

Nothing can be contained
In an empty void
So its no suprise
That when I search
For that perfect
Goddamned thing
Its simply... not there...


Hollow, empty
The best you could ever hope for
Is a superficial echo
And a look that says
She's trying

Drop dead gorgeous...
 
... if you only knew...

I'm in Love!!!

Wishing
That I could be the woman
Sitting across from you at the table
Because, in your eyes, I'm perfect
A glass, long since drained of the whiskey
Slowly catching tears
Drops in a bucket
As the hair falls unseen
And sexily
Over one eye
And the cigarette
Smolders
As it limply dawdles
At the end of my
Gorgeous, inviting, sultry
Pout

You'd be furious
Scream
'Stop your crying you fucking cunt!'
And I'd look up
With my puppy dog eyes
And you'd melt
Go and fill up my glass
And apologize
Only to go into round two
Mere minutes later

But you'd never lay a hand on me
See, you would've already tried that
Weeks... months... years? Earlier
And have found
That its simply not worth it
Because you...
The foul mouthed, drunken, stinking bastard
Are at heart
A good man
And the guilt eats away at you
Even more than my crying would
Even
EVEN
When we've long since forgotten
Why I started in the first place

Once we played all necessary rounds
And tried our hand at the bonus
Only to find there is no goddamned winner
We'd go to bed
Your arm slung limply
Over my
Not-perfectyet-still-desirable-to-you body
So you could be sure I wouldn't
Get up and go
Sometime when you weren't peeking
And your snoring
Drowning out any of my thoughts

I'd sleep
In such a way that I woke up
Even more exhausted
Puffy circles and all, though
I'm beautiful in your eyes
Because women like me
Are perfect for you

Dawn comes
And in the sunlight
We look at eachother
In such a way that makes us both squint
And, for a brief moment
We wonder if we really looked like that
When we went to bed the night before

No words spoken
You sit at the table
I put a bowl and box of cereal in front of you
While I go pour us
Another drink of whiskey
Because it's another day
Another reason for me to cry
Another reason for you to scream
Another reason for us
To cling onto each other
Tighter than ever

You look at me
Cockeyed
And say
I love you, dear
I look back and smile
Knowing
I'm right where I belong