...But the tone in your voice and the fly on the wall

It feels like a leap of faith
Off a huge fucking cliff
And faith never mattered here anyways

A fall from grace
Landing facefirst
Into the pavement

She told me
She wants me to take care of myself
Slow down
Sleep
Eat
And I want to
I do
But alone
Alone I can't
I can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't anything
It's why I need someone
And why I'll never ever get attached
Or say anything at all

I'm letting her down
And I wish I didn't have to
I curled up in her lap
On Christmas Eve
And fell asleep
And she let me
Because she's scared
And I don't care
Because I was in her lap
And slept
And when I slept in till noon
Two days later
She was happy
Because she knew I felt safe

Fruit masks the toxins
Coursing through the veins
And it all snuck up on me
And I want your love
So I run off
Because then you'll still love me in the morning
I had planned this night all day
Not knowing the train wreck it would turn into
And now, lost.  Simply lost.
Lost in happiness
Fearing abandonment
Lost in happiness
Hiding misery
And self-destruction
And now my stomach hurts
Because I didn't eat
I only drank
And I couldn't deal
With anger
Disappointment
Rationality
The real world
So I hid
And if she comes over tomorrow
I'll have to admit
I drank the whole goddamned bottle
Alone
But she won't see...
She won't...
Because we only focus
On pretty faces
Cheery smiles
Amazing legendary personas
And meanwhile...
She'd understand
But I need to protect her
You'll never understand
And I need to protect me
And
And
And

I just didn't expect things to end up like this

I guess I'm kind of a jerk sometimes

A deep sigh
I'd love to emit
Rather, tormented by
Hiccups and chattering teeth
And I laugh
Because that sounds more like
Symptoms of withdrawal

Tonight I tried
To do the right thing
After a day of acting honourably
I can stand the sight of my reflection today
Instead, I made a mess
In a search for sleep
I ended up in euphoric insomnia
Dazed and confused

Dark room
No light
Alone
After temporary insanity
Drove away the very last
Alone
ALONE!!!!!!!!!!
I can't take it

The sound of the chattering of teeth
Drowned out by the chattering in my head
And being alone in a dark room
Would have ensured this temporary insanity
Became something never to return from



Now out of any danger
Which was all anyone ever really wanted
Is there anything else to say?
Tingling fingers
No longer euphoric
But I can't see straight
Fatigue.  Fatigue
Can't sleep
Just can't


Alone in this room unbearable
Cant do it
Because I can't see or hear anyone
And I begin to fear I'm alone in this life
Something I know to be false

But a part always worries
That I'm one stupid decision away
From blowing down this house of cards
- such an offensive idea

Heavy lids
Heavy limbs
Exhausted
Just like you were
Before you sleot
Will try now
Again
I promkse

Passing the Time

Sitting in a corporate
Coffee-slinging hellhole
It is freezing outside and I work soon
Not soon enough
Reading critically acclaimed words
Spotlighting some kind of madness
Or, at the very least
The dysfuntion of everyone
Exuding from their mere movements
I, too, am dysfunctional
And find myself yearning
For a drink, for some pills, for a hit
Or, maybe, to be in his arms
These arms that alternately cradle
And crush
A python squeezing the very will out of me
I hate him when he's screaming at me
I love him when he's screaming at me
For a snake he may be
I am a spider and he's in my web
The very identity I have for myself
And even though I can't breathe
Its easier when he's squeezing

Minutes pass
And now blood drips off my lips
And out of my fingertips

          Like I said, I'm dysfunctional

It's not denial
No, not in the slightest
It never was
It's merely physics

Nothing can be contained
In an empty void
So its no suprise
That when I search
For that perfect
Goddamned thing
Its simply... not there...


Hollow, empty
The best you could ever hope for
Is a superficial echo
And a look that says
She's trying

Drop dead gorgeous...
 
... if you only knew...

I'm in Love!!!

Wishing
That I could be the woman
Sitting across from you at the table
Because, in your eyes, I'm perfect
A glass, long since drained of the whiskey
Slowly catching tears
Drops in a bucket
As the hair falls unseen
And sexily
Over one eye
And the cigarette
Smolders
As it limply dawdles
At the end of my
Gorgeous, inviting, sultry
Pout

You'd be furious
Scream
'Stop your crying you fucking cunt!'
And I'd look up
With my puppy dog eyes
And you'd melt
Go and fill up my glass
And apologize
Only to go into round two
Mere minutes later

But you'd never lay a hand on me
See, you would've already tried that
Weeks... months... years? Earlier
And have found
That its simply not worth it
Because you...
The foul mouthed, drunken, stinking bastard
Are at heart
A good man
And the guilt eats away at you
Even more than my crying would
Even
EVEN
When we've long since forgotten
Why I started in the first place

Once we played all necessary rounds
And tried our hand at the bonus
Only to find there is no goddamned winner
We'd go to bed
Your arm slung limply
Over my
Not-perfectyet-still-desirable-to-you body
So you could be sure I wouldn't
Get up and go
Sometime when you weren't peeking
And your snoring
Drowning out any of my thoughts

I'd sleep
In such a way that I woke up
Even more exhausted
Puffy circles and all, though
I'm beautiful in your eyes
Because women like me
Are perfect for you

Dawn comes
And in the sunlight
We look at eachother
In such a way that makes us both squint
And, for a brief moment
We wonder if we really looked like that
When we went to bed the night before

No words spoken
You sit at the table
I put a bowl and box of cereal in front of you
While I go pour us
Another drink of whiskey
Because it's another day
Another reason for me to cry
Another reason for you to scream
Another reason for us
To cling onto each other
Tighter than ever

You look at me
Cockeyed
And say
I love you, dear
I look back and smile
Knowing
I'm right where I belong

Ode to My Hips

I bought a pair of $12 jeans
Cut way too low, so now I have...
The dreaded MUFFIN TOP
But they seemed like a good idea at the time
Who can pass up $12 jeans?
But now I realize they will become my least favourite pair
Relegated to the back of the closet
Only to be worn as a last resort
When it's either walk around in underwear
Or wear them
And when I DO wear them
I'll have to try to match them with the pefect shirt
To hide
The fact that I have hips
See, it's all about the illusion of perfection
And we as women have been told
That our curves are unacceptable
Must be disappeared
     Like the Guatamalans who speak
     The goddamned truth
Or, at the very least
Hidden
So as not to offend
Other, less hippy women
Or men
We must, above all, be pleasing
But see, I don't have the perfect shirt
I have hips, thighs
An in-your-face body
That can't and will not be ignored
Or shrouded behind a flimsy shirt
So I'll poudly show them
And allow them to speak their round, womanly truth
And refuse to apologize for myself
Because a life of hiding curves
Trying to be pleasing
And not to offend
Has added up to a severe loss of self
     A mere composite of the people I admire and loathe
     And I don't know what I like, or think, anymore
And a beer bottle slapping me across the face
Only to be told that still
I am not satisfactory
And allowing my heart to be stomped on
By the footsteps of those
Walking out of my life

My roomate today tells me
With her face grimaced
That she can see where I'm going with poetry
But she doesn't like angry women
I tell her to be careful
Because her face will freeze like that
A fate, for her, worse than death
Because that would offend others
Even more than my hips in my $`12 jeans that give me muffin top
Because she yearns for complacency
And all she wants in life is the illusion of perfection
At the expense of truth
She'd rather be hurt
Than be enraged when it is due
Because we should be enraged
There are things that deserve our rage
And I'm enraged
At my rapist- turning me, at best, into a mere statistic
At my father-  the bottle wielding bastard
At politicians, whose greed is leading our nation, and guiding their decisions
At world leaders, who act as though human life is something to sacrifice
At religions, trying their best to placate the masses
And at my roomate
Who wants silence at the expense of my truth
Your truth
OUR truth
And she doesn't want to hear me speak it
Or any of the other poets who have things to say
And, more importantly, that we all need to hear
So fuck you and your complacency
Because I refuse to relegate my anger
And my jeans
To the back of my closet

Chapter 3

I'll smile real pretty
Tight-lipped and closed mouthed
While you play dress up with me
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Sit me naked on the counter
Do my hair first
Then my clothes
Whether its my own dress
Or the times you insisted
I wear your clothes
I'm a little doll
Your little doll
To play with how you desire
Porcelain skin
Pretty blue eyes
Seductive little pout

Now I pick out my own clothes
Though I still wear yours from time to time
My hair is my own
And has grown since
You cut it
In one last attempt
To dress me how you please
My eyes are still pretty
And you destroyed my lips
Forever
These lips don't smile anymore

Have we only gone
Full circle?

Chapter 3

New lessons to be learned
I always was invisible
My voice is
But a mere squeak
Powerless
And my only power
Lies in my being wanted
I don't matter
It was only ever selfishness
Of the most horrific kind
I'm an extension
Only an extension
Just an extension
Of his dick

                                      Am I still?

Is that all I'll ever be?

Chapter 3

Love can threaten, touch can burn, caring can seem to violate"

Ten minutes ago
Sun caressing my cheeks
The wind keeping it in check
I longed for my friends
The ones who know best
How to make the most
Of the most beautiful of autumn days

Paradox
A sudden shift

Sitting here now
Glad to be alone
With the ghost of him
Oozing out my heart
And my cunt
No doubt one in the same

Momentarily
I'll want them again
For now though
I'm secure in my invisibility

Circa Sept 11 2005

Its hard to feel comfortable anywhere, she thought to herself.  She reflected on her whereabouts; sitting in a dank dark room where the best thing to do is to huddle up and be quiet.  If you’re hidden, they can’t find you, they can’t torment you.  Its not her fault that she feels like she wears this secret like a T-shirt portraying an explicit message…             And home?  What is home?  To her, it was a place where you were always on guard.  He might come in at any second.  And when his breath has that pungent smell of alcohol, and his words all slurred together, there is but one thing that satisfies him.             Come on, Doll… With your hair like that, plastered to your face from the rain, you look even prettier than your mother did.  Shh… I’m Daddy, I changed your diapers, there is nothing to hide.  Come on… Lets see how beautiful you truly are, inside and out…             And so she did.  In her mind, the only thing to do was to shut him up.  And they both knew there was only one way to do that.  While she was doing that, she would detach… How many calories today?  Must remember to eat less tomorrow… Got an 86 on this test… 90 on the next one… Thinner, happier, more productive…             Oh yes, productive.  That she was.  And they both felt better when the moment was over.  He would slink away to pass out, face first on whatever surface he would make it to, and, in inebriated bliss, replay those happy moments of release.             And she… well she would go, shower and try to scrub it off of her.  See, she always felt like the secret was a tangible, visible thing… And God only knows what they would do to her if they found out…

Circa Feb 2004

Death served with a side salad (she had to count calories to keep that delicious figure that always left them coming back for more)

There were some things that even those delicious pills and powders couldn’t make her forget
Even when mixed with the burning liquids to make a delightful (deadly) concoction.

It didn’t make the bad things go away

But at times confused the meanings of the good things
Like… does no really mean no?
Or does it mean other things?

Stop mean go?
Now mean later?
I love you mean just for the night?
Those meanings got lost in the chaos of the spinning rooms that the concoctions often brought

Things that should have hurt, didn’t

Like the thud of the fists, or the sharp sting of words

Things that shouldn’t have bothered her made her weep

(Oh look, her glass was empty)

Up became down

Then became now, and now became then

There was no time, there was no when

Only that it happened

Then there was black

Such a shame that she’d spend her last precious moments

Remembering only the things
She was giving up her life to forget

 

New Years Eve, December 2003

They don’t call it a ‘circle’ of like for nothing
What was, still is and ever shall be
No matter how you weep, moan, beg…
(Or even bat those mascara-coated eyelashes)
Sell your soul
Make a blood pact with the devil
It all ends up the same
You’re on the bottom
At his mercy
Biting your lip
To keep from screaming (crying)
His sadistic tendencies were always the best part of him

And when he’s gone
You’re left (panting)
Crumpled in a broken heap
Guilt ridden, sobbing, (wet..)
Alone
The scares have been mocked
You shudder as you remember the frantic feeling you had
While trying to cover them
Still fooling yourself
That you were some sort of pretty
It doesn’t matter though
You were more than enough for him to love
(And come all over you)

He has stolen every part of you
And disgusted everyone else
And by the time you wake up the next morning,
Yawn
Notice the way you’re covered in something more than sweat
And finish calculating how much you hate yourself THIS time
You look around and see nothing but an empty grey cubicle
By the time you realize you need them the most
They’ve already purchased one-way tickets to anywhere away from you
And are halfway around the world
And… don’t fool yourself into thinking they’re coming back
Not for you

You’re… so far beyond stupid
You always had a tendency to figure everything out too late

It's A Sock Thing- Circa November 2004

Once upon a time, there was a lovely little ankle sock. She always felt shy, and meek, because she was so tiny compared to all the big knee socks, and much thinner than the work socks. They didn’t help either, they teased her because she was so small, her and her sister. However, her sister didn’t much care. She spent most of her time being chewed by the dog anyways. This left her to put up with the verbal bashings from the meaner and thicker socks.
What hurt her most, when they teased her, was when they picked on her lovely stripes. Oh, she had beautiful strips, purple and pink and blue and green… And the big socks would tease her, saying she was made of little bits of leftover thread and that’s why she was multicoloured. But, she loved her stripes, and it hurt her that the big socks made them to be a bad thing.
When she would tell her sister about the teasing she endured all day, her sister would speak to her in a curt tone of voice, saying that she should spend time with the dog, because it was muchly fun. However, she was scared to do that, scared of the holes the dogs teeth would put in her, and how she would be drooled on and whipped around. For, she was quite the timid sock.
However, day after day passed, and she endured the teasing and felt worse and worse. And she cried for longer and longer at night. Until one day, she turned to her sister and said
“I’m coming with you to the dog tomorrow.” Her sister just smiled and said how pleased she’d be that she did.
So, the next day, she watched her sister jump out of the drawer and go find the dog. She tried to follow, though she moved slowly and cautiously, because she was nervous; she had never tried to leave the drawer before. She carefully tried to climb over the side of the drawer, but she slipped and fell. She hit the floor with as hard a ‘thud’ as a sock could hit. When she picked herself up off the floor, she looked around, but couldn’t see her sister or the dog. She felt scared and confused and almost wished she had stayed in the drawer with the other socks. But then, she remembered the teasing, and didn’t feel so bad.
She started to wander… and wander and wander… until she was in another room… with a lot of big appliances humming. She smelled food, and decided she must be in that kitchen place she always hears talk of. Suddenly, she heard big banging footsteps approaching, and she jumped into a shoe, which was familiar to her, to hide. She waited for the familiar slamming of the door to hop out. She noticed stairs and wondered if her sister would be down them. However, she didn’t think about how difficult the stairs would be to go down, and she tumbled down the whole way. By the time she hit the bottom, everything ached and she needed to lie down for a bit.
Once she felt ok again, she got up and looked around. She went to a room with a shower, a sink and a toilet, and it smelled a lot like cleaning supplies. But she didn’t find her sister and the dog.
So she moved into another room. There were 2 big machines, and baskets full of clothes, and yes, some socks, and they were all lying there, dead looking. She was scared, so scared, that she started to run without looking where she was going and ran into the door.
When she finally came to, she was frightened and cold. She got up, and decided to find the stairs and go back up them. This proved to be a difficult task, seeing as she was so dizzy. However eventually she found them, and tried to climb them. This took her a very long time, because the stairs were big and she had to stop and rest from time to time. Eventually though, she reached the top.
Once at the top of the stairs, she tried to remember which way she had come through. She remembered the kitchen, and so she wandered around until she found it. And from there, she found the room, with the drawer she came out of.
When she finally reached the drawer, she was tired, haggard, and out of breath. She slumped against the side of the drawer for a few minutes, and listened to the chatter of the other socks. She heard quiet weeping from her sister.
“Where is my sister? What have you done with her? She was supposed to come with me, where could she have gone?”
And from the other socks…
“I miss her soft voice.”
“I hope it wasn’t anything we said. I really did like her.”
“We shouldn’t have teased her so much, she really was a pretty little sock.”
“I miss her!!”
The little sock was overjoyed! They really did like her, and they missed her!! She knocked quietly on the drawer, but it was too quiet for the other socks to hear, over their laments. So, she used the last of her strength and threw herself against the side of the drawer. This time, the other socks heard her, and they pushed the drawer open. They saw her exhausted sock body slumped on the floor. So, one of the big tall work socks jumped out and picked her up and brought her back in the drawer. Her sister hugged her tightly, and made her promise to never get lost again. The other socks said the same thing, and said how sorry they were for teasing her, and how pretty she really was. The big work sock lay down and allowed the pretty little sock to sleep on him, a nice a cozy bed, rather than the wooden bottom of the drawer to sleep on.
And, surrounded by her sock family that loved her, and her sister, the little sock closed her eyes, and smiled a tired little smile. “I am home”, she thought, before falling asleep.

Revelations.

I wrote all of these in late 2004.  I didn't know...

I’m Better Than The No One You Have Already
Yes, yes. We will go fishing
To a baseball game
To a movie
Because that’s what daddies do
I’ll even buy you
Two ice cream cones
One for you,
One for your brother
Who needs something in his mouth
Other than his thumb
(Or my tongue… and other body parts)
All you have to do
Is call me Daddy
(And scream and moan
At the appropriate times)

Just Lay Back, It'll All Be Okay
i seem to have forgotten..
as i do from time to time
(hour to hour...)
that it isnt about me
it was never about me
here, please
let me open my
heart
soul
legs
even wider for you
tkae what you will
take me
take my emotions
take my heart
take everything
i wont ask for a single thing in return
nor will i ask why you did this
excpet sometimes i falter
and by sometimes, we both know i mean always
i am subhuman
and weak
and i will fall
and i will ask
then please
simply just remind me
i am a selfish little bitch
that i whine too much
nad to stop looking at you that way
smack me harder
whip me
beat and beguile me
because we both know i'll crawl after you anyways
head bent
tail between my legs
but i wont cry
remmber?
you forbade me from doing that...

The Small Print
"Everything will be alright"
Promised the singer on the radio
To whoever he was crooning to
"That's a dirty lie, and you know it"
I mutter bitterly
But everyone can figure out he's not crooning to me

Why would he?
Its already been pointed out
All my imperfections
(Those visible to the human eye,
And those you have to come closer to see)

I don't recognize this place
The place where I'm trapped in
The limbs are unrecognizeable to me
My face is unfamiliar and alarming
While I'm used to the feeling
Of general discontent
And inner judgement
The outer judgements are scary
And make me wish I was anywhere but here

Outer body experience
Or outer space
I could care less
Maybe I could be the girl in the song?

'Blue jean baby
LA lady
Seamstress for the band
Pretty eyes
Pirate smile
You'll marry a music man'

At least then
The path is mapped
There is a guiding light
A hand outreached
Waiting to grab yours

'Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer'

However... I'm not that.
I'm the girl full of imperfections
So many that
She can't speak to me without mentioning them
He promises that they'll keep me from serving jury duty
The one I love overacts
To make it more than obvious that I don't mean anything to him
And the kind boy thinks he has to patronize me
To validate leaving, and telling me he's found
His tiny dancer

But that's okay.
I'm used to such things.
The imperfections will not be overlooked
I am worthless
Unless I offer up my cunt on a silver platter
Moan and groan at the appropriate times
And nod my head
While I agree with you
And while I suck your cock
(I turn my head, eyes pointed heaven bound
So you won't notice the tears streaming down Because I've learned
The difference between moans of pleasure
And moans that come from praying
That heaven will snatch you from this strange place)

You stroke my hair
Thinking that I give two fucks whether you approve or not
I don't
All I care is that you finish up so that I can stop this
I hate it
I hate you
I hate me, too
Because I can't stand that my cunt is the only thing about me
That is worth anything

The bruises on my neck are my reward
For a job well done
I've repayed my debt
And you're gone
I know better than to expect to hear from you again
Because I know more than well that
I've done my job
And fulfilled my contract
I'm all paid up

So I guess this
Is where I thank you
For overlooking my imperfections this long
For speaking to me
For faking every word you said

So, thank you
Only next time
Make me drink bleach
Or slit my throat
Because now that the contract is fulfilled
I still want nothing more than to leave this place.

Chapter Three

Trembling
As general descritions
Open the age old wound
Between my legs
And the realization sets in
That when you open the skin
Blood always flows out

Nothing as it seems
And there is meaning
In all the trivialities
And I'm wondering
Just how deep
The rabbit hole really goes

Because my blood
Is tainted and poisonous
And its no wonder
A river flows through my veins
And out
My body sought to free itself
Long before I ever knew
I was dying

Chapter Two

So what?

Chapter One

A head first dive down the rabbit hole
I look at myself
His complexion
His too-thin upper lip
No doubt I am his daughter

Also
A scowl
Slouched shoulders
Eyes turnd downwards
So
A merely proverbial
Violent kick through the wall
While I stay huddled within
Eyes look up
But peering into them
Shows only that
He's still here
He's always been here

writing tonight
was supposed to help
didn't
so i turn to you
bottle of rum
because if you can't make me happy
you will make me forget


and for the record
i'm really tired
of being so angry

facing her mortality
rips my heart out
through my stomach
and i find myself wishing
i could divorce the world
and everyone in it
because it's so complicated
and i can't escape the nagging fear
that my death
would hurt just as much

was it the dish that ran away with the spoon?  the fork?  perhaps it was the cat.  she couldn't remember.  fairy tale what?  happily ever who?  those weren't her stories.  not then, not now.  just mere, pathetic moments, perhaps totalling three.  the one's where her mother felt compelled to try to cultivate happiness.  chris van allsburg... why was it always before christmas?  was it just that christ's birth was more important than the lives of those two little children now snuggled on either side of her?  or that she was broken too?  but fairy tales only exist in those sacred storybooks.  and in real life there is no happily ever after.  not unless you consider those mere moments that sleeping beauty had with the needle in her arm before she fell into a drug induced coma.  or perhaps the feeling of being loved snow white had before realizing the fucking dwarves only loved her because they were short enough to look up her skirt.  love... yes... of course love.  nothing ever in the absence of love... not ever.  because what is love?  happily ever after?  just give me sleeping beauty's needle.  i'd love some of that happily ever after, too.

Its so done
It's so over
Anything I had ever imagined
About my life
In the near
Or distant
Future
All gone
Because my mind has learned that
It won't be such an easy task
This time
To destroy me

i want to make it easier
i want to
stop this
stop it now

stop what?
i hear myself
incoherent
whining
scared
nonsensical
nonsense

and wonder what is happening
and i hear myself
numerating all the postives
but i'm lying
because there is no positive
not now
not that i see
not that i even look for

rather
a pillow
a blanket
and a prayer
for a good dream tonight

It ends
All of it
And me along with it
Ideally, it is a short ride
As opposed to
A confused sprint
Lost in the forests of insanity
With no moonlight
Short, sweet
Not so long as to spend
Too much time alone
A few tears
But life moves on

Instead

                    Not that.
                    Not yet?

Sheer Terror... Long Overdue, I suppose

A slow spiral downwards
The viscosity of corn syrup...
As I relinquish myself to that corner of my mind
That I know will hurt like hell
Protecting myself from him
From all of them
Only to put myself here
Where glistening knives are only
A bottle away
And soon another thick syrupy liquid will flow
Things will get worse before they ever get better
But I never thought they'd be this irreversible
And hemoglobin won't be the only cost for this decision

What does the better me look like?
What does she know?
And, even more importantly
Who does she know?

I didn't say the right thing.
I didn't then, and I didn't now.
I never do.
That's why I hope I drown in the rum
Tonight.

Not Strong Today

A mindshift
Mental preparation, perhaps
For the journey to a new old neighbourhood
So intimately tied to you
That I'm surprised it didn't just
Up and leave
The moment you did
Sneak in the back seat
Hidden under all your black
A sinking feeling in my stomach
Replacing the rock thats nesting
(Do rocks hatch?)
And I want to just
Sit here and cry
Because sometimes
Nothing is ever enough

In this room
Just me
Me with a screen
Me with a phone
And there are voices
Coming through
Communication media
Urging me and pushing me
To see beyond
See the big picture
See the effects on all people
To stand up, dust myself off
And DO SOMETHING
Despite all that
I'm still alone
Licking my wounds
Locked in the cycle of memories
That threaten to devour
See, I'm just not there yet
Hang up the phone
Close the screen
Because I'm in this room
Alone

No One Here Gets Out Alive

A girl walking by
Legs like twigs
Walking skeleton
Walking death
I gasped when I saw her
And wished so hard that it hurt
That I looked like her
My sensuous thighs
My heaving breasts
I reek, ooze, thrust
Sexuality
Its in your face
His face
Everyone's fucking face
Wishing I was that small
Shrink the sexuality right out of me
Nothing left in my puny body
No sex, no soul
But I'm too indulgent
Eating constantly
Beer to inebriate the blood
And memories
Coursing through my veins
Alcohol just burns less
Sensuous, indulgent
Female
Christianity like a skin
That I can't shed
For I am the woman who tempts
Not the goddamn snake that started it all
Sensuous.  Food.  Sex.
Oozing out of me.
Blood in my veins.
Yearning to drip out
Electrolitic Memories
Alcohol....
Alcohol...

A Lesson For Me to Keep In Mind

Quotes: Alice in Wonderland

The Duchess: You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.
Alice: Perhaps it hasn't one.
The Duchess: Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

A Knife Through My Heart- Should Be A Knife Through Everyone's Heart

"rape is sickeningly, comprehensively contemptuous because it reduces a woman to a physican convenience, a creature whose importance is exhausted by her genital use, someone whose love and sense of self- aspects of personality particularly at stake in sex- have no significance whatsoever except as vehicles for sadistic degradation"

~Ronald Dworkin, "What is Sacred", from Life's Dominion

To lie down
In bed all night
And all day
Drifting in and out of sleep
As my body is inclined to do
To cover my eyes
And weep at the searing pain
But it would be okay
Because you'd be there
To make sure I'd be fed
To make sure I'd be warm
To promise me that everything
Would be just fine
In short, to take care of me

Rather stumbling through
Day to day
A soldier
Praying my knees don't buckle
With the wieght of my body
Mind
And heart
And the blindness
That comes from
Daylight

Drowning in a puddle
Little worm asks herself
When she'll learn
That it isn't always
About her
Waiting for the sun to come out
Evaporate this new little home
Burn to rot

So, Too, Is The Horse Lame

All this fighting
I'm worn out
Day in
Day out
Beat up as
My thrift store jacket
But still, I keep fighting
For there are fans in the stands
Ready to watch me win
But after each and every meager battle
Has been won, moment to moment
Each etching itself a bit into my heart
Someone who smells so familiar
That my nostrils burn
And I vomit
Sometimes screaming
Sometimes holding my head
And in those times
I don't know why I fight
Because I suspect
That I gave up long ago
And only do what I do
Because of the constant cheering
Ringing in my head
Threatening to drive me mad

Bear Your Fangs, Little One- Show the World Just Who You Be

Who is she, this girl?
This girl inhabiting
My mere shell of a body
Looking through the windows of my eyes
No longer illuminated
Since the light went out
This needy, clingy leech
Barely capable of standing
Not walking
No forward momentum
No
This girl is demanding
In a grating whiny tone
To be carried
I hate her
This girl
Who is so attention seeking
All the time
Demanding acceptance
Demanding assurance
Demanding
Demanding
Demanding
I watch her
From the wind swirling through the trees
As she threatens to destroy
All that I hold dear
Because she understands not
That her weight is too heavy to bear
And that if she can't walk
Or can't stand
She needs to lie down and fucking die
Because life is too hard
And no one signed up for this
For her
Burdensome
Whinging
Clingy
Needy
Fucking little leech

He took so much...

A shell
A black face
No speaking, no looking
No blinking
Warm blood
Flowing through
Ice cold body
No emotion
Beating heart
Sleeping, still breaking
Wondering how long
Until the breathing stops

Ha ha ha ha

Once upon a time?... a night?.... a girl?
Pick one
Because that's the way all fairy tales begin
And age old formula
That one gives a fuck about anymore
Kind of like this story
When everyone stops listening
As soon as she begins to cry
Weeping for what has been lost
Is more than useless
But this fairy tale
Has no happily ever after
So bleed instead
Perhaps a long, slow
Drug and alcohol induced hamartia
So we can scribble out the damned ending
On the final page
Because all the others
Were torn out and burned anyways

The End

This. Is. War.

I wonder what it would look like
If I did kill him
Somehow
What would I tell you?
Or how?
And what would the expression on my face be?
What shape would I be in?
Would I feel justified
Or find myself destroyed?
Complacent? Apathetic?
Or thrilled and elated?
Because last week
I gave my box cutter away
My eyes looking at the ground
Even as he begged me to look at him
And it's a moment I cherish
And wouldn't ever trade
But I wish I had my box cutter again
Rusty and bloodstained
Because he keeps phoning me
Taunting me
And I'm tempted to take him up on his offer
Meet him, armed with more than my fury
And make goddamned sure
He never hurts anyone
EVER
AGAIN

At a Loss

So new
This persona I've embodied
But how do I write her?
Proving to the world
You
Most of all,
Myself
That I've left the cracked and broken shield
In the dust
And have taken up the sword
As well as an angry heart
What words can I employ
Because it is only regretful now
To look back and think
I wish I'd killed the goddamned bastard

Wednesday 23 September

Trying to write

But

Memories of his dick

Of the past week

Thrusting, hurting

STABBING

Are

When I saw

My hair pulled

My body clawed at

My will ignored

My dignity stolen

More love than I've

Ever known

Myself feeling safer than I've

Ever been

My body adored

My heart cherished

Bruised, sobbing, screaming

No, No, NO NO NO!!!

Vunerability at its worst

Stifling

Vulnerability at its best

And I can't forget

unfinished because ben called me

In more ways than one
A dying wish
As my rational side
Battles my most passionate self
I stand in between
Daydreaming
Sailing away in thoughts of you
While I wait and see who wins
And just what will happen next

Leave Me Alone, But Just Don't Leave Me Here

And how can you ever explain
What happens in a moment
Intangibility at its finest
Even the most eloquent of us
Would falter to describe...
But moments exist
Even if we can't say what they are
And they contain things-
Important, meaningful things...

This was a moment
Filled with Chantal Kreviazuk
Crooning a love song with no redeeming factors
Save her sheer heartfeltness and honesty
And I'm surrounded with the beauty of nature
Sucked dry from being plucked, wrapped and branded
And people driven by consumerism
Their collective self-centredness
Proving that humanity can be such a plague

And then one girl
Walking with an older man
She's frail-
Her body thin and shaky
Years of self-induced malnutrition
Showing all over her face
And her arm
Mottled and misshapen
A look I know well...

This is my moment
But only the unimportant
Mundane
Superficial parts
The deeper meaning
Like a moment itself
I cannot describe

But it gave me a headache
And tensed my muscles
And not even a backrub
Coupled with a soft kiss on the neck
Could make it go away
Because I was back there

This moment has lasted
Many hours
And they say the pen is mightier than the sword
Yet I long to lay my pen down
And opt for a much sharper tool
For ink cannot express
That which I have no words for

A deep yearning
For a return that would be
More bitter than sweet
For I spent many a night like this
Lacking words
For that which blades
So beautifully expressed

And so I give in
Ever so slightly
Relief courses through my body
It's not enough
But it's all I can do
To pay homage to that time
That will last for only this moment

For I know that while she is loved
In this time
She is lucky
For in these times
I am alone...

Yesterday, Anna Called Me a Skinny Bitch

A comment I love
And hating that I love it
For it only proves
That which I can't escape

That healthy activities
Merely mask unhealthy attitudes
That an attractive outside
Masks ugliness within
That with all the
Descriptive adjectives spoken
There are a hundred judgments
Never to be uttered

Freedom in fitness?
No...
And even though I cycle
From point A to point B
And back again

I'm still trapped on a hamster wheel
Going nowhere
Fast

Strangers Helping Me Find Out Who I Am

Man I don't know: Are you married?
Me: No, I'm not

(Another) Man I don't know: Are you going somewhere?
Me: Yes I am

Okay, so I'm not married. And I'm going somewhere.
I wonder where that might be...
And I wonder what the next probing question might be...

I just felt that I wanted to write poetry even if it stayed in a drawer somewhere.
- Daniel Berrigan

So clearly not any poem I've written, but it's a sentiment I feel within myself, from one of my heroes.

Heroes... not a word we hear so often in this day in age. But this man is inspiring. He encompasses all the good that is left in religion, and he has found a way to give life meaning. I look to this man to understand what Paul Tillich says when he talks about the courage to be.

And that's what I'm doing- seeking the courage to be. And trying to cultivate the courage to become

(maybe you'll all be visiting me in jail someday...)

From February to Spring Street- WIll I Ever Get There?

Spring in the air
Sunny weather, warmer now
No longer biting the skin
Spring in the air
Bringing with it new beginnings
And isn't that exciting, they tell me
New beginnings, refreshing
But there were new beginnings last summer
Sitting under the trees
Conversations taking us around the world
From Europe to North America
To the deepest, darkest parts of the soul
And back out again
Over beer and sunny smiles
In Eden for the first time
Going to the park
Playing catch like frolicking puppies
Running, hair shining in the wind
Falling down laughing
Moving to the lake
Sitting in the sand
Talking about the past
Then the future
New beginning for me
In every sense of the word
And it was in November
That she told me that he loved me
And that same night
In a burst of anger
He told me himself
Then cried
Because it was said
In a moment of sheer hatred
That new beginning began
And finally came to an end
One week ago
And I find myself
Yearning for an old beginning
To begin again

Cedit Where Credit is Due

Deep down I always knew
For me to ever measure up to the girls
You'd been with before me
Revering and adoring
Even now to this day
I'd have to leave you

It disgusted you that I'd ever
Stand for shit from him
Or the other guy
Or from you

Thanks for the lesson

The Funk of Death and Other Things That Have Come Up Since The Last Time

Anger
Then hatred
First of you
Then of herself
Punctuated by weeping
Only the dashboard will see
And the wheel will catch the tears
That you let run off her cheeks
Time and time and time again
For, god forbid she ever mean anything to you
Fading back into anger
Directed solely at you
For ever treating her like anything less
Than what she is
Criticizing her to the point where she hid in a corner
Then criticizing her for doing that
Anger turned now inwards
What's wrong with her
That she'd stand for that
From you
From anyone?
What's wrong with her?
And just what the hell
Is wrong with you?

Insensitive, Followed by How Good Things Are

And now
All that remains is
A too-stereotypical girl
Replaying pop songs and
Choking back tears
Not singing along, no
She simply mouths the words
'Why'd you have to be like that?'

Two Days Ago

I came home
And saw flowers
(since withered)
On the table
Read the card
With a simple message
Signed with his name
And wept
And have been weeping ever since
Because I know now
How very little I mean to you
And how far the distance is between us
And how you'll never understand me
And how you'll never read this
And I must now take action
But not now.
No, not now
But later
Now...
I am still not done weeping.

Valentine's Day

I am full of
ideas
love
senstivity
I am ignored
a recluse
in this house
and in this mind
I have crossed
borders
bridges
lines
To try to get through
to get heard
I cast a shadow
one that you can't see
because you banished me
to walk behind you
I am not inconsequential
unimportant
though you deemed me so
And one day
One day
I will wake up
go out the door
step into the sunshine
I will vow
to never walk behind again
shut myself up
allow myself
to be shut out

I am so much stronger
Than you give me credit for

Some Things Are Better Left... Unsaid...

You'll never understand
Because it's fucked
And I'll never understand
Because I am fucked
Unhealthy? HAH!
Who? Us? Or me?
But not always
No
Because once there were birthday cakes
With candles lit and ice cream on the side
And smiles
Once there were smiles and laughter
Until there was blood
Only blood
And love became resentment
And there is no place for forgiveness
And maybe this isn't my fault
Maybe its hard
Because you make it so
Maybe the onus ought to
Just once be on you
To not act like
My telling you all this
Is some sort of personal attack
And it's complicated
Like the way I'll never ever see him again
But feel guilty as fuck because I never called
Because you don't get it
And I can't make you understand
Because it's fucked
And I'm fucked
And why are you still here?
... I forgot to ask...

Useless Late Night Ramblings. I'm tired tonight.

The dark... always comes back
After the burning light of the sun
Casting shadows
Casting light on the worst parts of you
The night will come soon
Shh... Just hold on
And so here is night
Drenched in the silence
And you're not thinking
Not thinking about anything
But your head still hurts
And that's all you know
And sometimes.. nights like these
You realize
You're in unfamiliar territory
Somewhere you never thought you'd be
Navigating without a map or a compass
Scared
Terrified
Nothing feels real
Nothing feels normal
And then you realize
You miss it
Those times when you knew
What to do with the night
What to do with yourself
When the only communicating you needed to do
Was moderated by the blade
That was far more articulate
Than you ever can be
Just another useless failing
And exhaustion sets in
No longer can you stay up all night
And when you awake
Day will come
And the new old routine
Starts all over again
Its hard to speak
When after all the encouragement
They shut you up
Words like a hammer
Smashing your heart
To smithereens