Revelations.

I wrote all of these in late 2004.  I didn't know...

I’m Better Than The No One You Have Already
Yes, yes. We will go fishing
To a baseball game
To a movie
Because that’s what daddies do
I’ll even buy you
Two ice cream cones
One for you,
One for your brother
Who needs something in his mouth
Other than his thumb
(Or my tongue… and other body parts)
All you have to do
Is call me Daddy
(And scream and moan
At the appropriate times)

Just Lay Back, It'll All Be Okay
i seem to have forgotten..
as i do from time to time
(hour to hour...)
that it isnt about me
it was never about me
here, please
let me open my
heart
soul
legs
even wider for you
tkae what you will
take me
take my emotions
take my heart
take everything
i wont ask for a single thing in return
nor will i ask why you did this
excpet sometimes i falter
and by sometimes, we both know i mean always
i am subhuman
and weak
and i will fall
and i will ask
then please
simply just remind me
i am a selfish little bitch
that i whine too much
nad to stop looking at you that way
smack me harder
whip me
beat and beguile me
because we both know i'll crawl after you anyways
head bent
tail between my legs
but i wont cry
remmber?
you forbade me from doing that...

The Small Print
"Everything will be alright"
Promised the singer on the radio
To whoever he was crooning to
"That's a dirty lie, and you know it"
I mutter bitterly
But everyone can figure out he's not crooning to me

Why would he?
Its already been pointed out
All my imperfections
(Those visible to the human eye,
And those you have to come closer to see)

I don't recognize this place
The place where I'm trapped in
The limbs are unrecognizeable to me
My face is unfamiliar and alarming
While I'm used to the feeling
Of general discontent
And inner judgement
The outer judgements are scary
And make me wish I was anywhere but here

Outer body experience
Or outer space
I could care less
Maybe I could be the girl in the song?

'Blue jean baby
LA lady
Seamstress for the band
Pretty eyes
Pirate smile
You'll marry a music man'

At least then
The path is mapped
There is a guiding light
A hand outreached
Waiting to grab yours

'Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer'

However... I'm not that.
I'm the girl full of imperfections
So many that
She can't speak to me without mentioning them
He promises that they'll keep me from serving jury duty
The one I love overacts
To make it more than obvious that I don't mean anything to him
And the kind boy thinks he has to patronize me
To validate leaving, and telling me he's found
His tiny dancer

But that's okay.
I'm used to such things.
The imperfections will not be overlooked
I am worthless
Unless I offer up my cunt on a silver platter
Moan and groan at the appropriate times
And nod my head
While I agree with you
And while I suck your cock
(I turn my head, eyes pointed heaven bound
So you won't notice the tears streaming down Because I've learned
The difference between moans of pleasure
And moans that come from praying
That heaven will snatch you from this strange place)

You stroke my hair
Thinking that I give two fucks whether you approve or not
I don't
All I care is that you finish up so that I can stop this
I hate it
I hate you
I hate me, too
Because I can't stand that my cunt is the only thing about me
That is worth anything

The bruises on my neck are my reward
For a job well done
I've repayed my debt
And you're gone
I know better than to expect to hear from you again
Because I know more than well that
I've done my job
And fulfilled my contract
I'm all paid up

So I guess this
Is where I thank you
For overlooking my imperfections this long
For speaking to me
For faking every word you said

So, thank you
Only next time
Make me drink bleach
Or slit my throat
Because now that the contract is fulfilled
I still want nothing more than to leave this place.